Please Note: Parts of this posts are satirical. Well perhaps not, after the items seem so real.
As you may remember, after Mitt Romney’s loss in 2012 the GOP conducted what they called an autopsy, a document explaining why they lost and most importantly what they had to change to win in 2016. Almost six months after the 2016 presidential election there is no similar document produced by the losing Democratic Party. No “autopsy” to set their direction for winning in 2020. The real question is “has the Democratic Party neglected to produce an Autopsy/Strategy document? Or have they produced it but are keeping it a secret?
As I normally do in cases where I am trying to find out about possible secret information, I sent my Cousin Ben the Spy (his mother wanted him to go to law school, but that is a story for a different day), to go to the DNC and snoop around. Ben is the perfect man for the job. First of all he was born here in the United States and has no contact with the Russian government.
A master of disguise, Ben always finds a way to sneak around an office without being noticed. When he was in college, Ben spent his summers on a rig in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea drilling for extra virgin olive oil (which he tells me you get from UGLY trees). I asked Ben to sneak into the DNC offices and find their proposed strategy for 2020 To get unrestricted access Ben disguised himself as a plant and placed himself next to a copy of the Constitution hanging on the wall, realizing that no Democrat wants to get anywhere near the constitution, cousin Ben was safe. Thank God he used the tree disguise. After the disguise he used for his last mission no one in the family would go near him— for months!
After everyone in the DNC left for a “I Hate Anyone Who Makes A Lot Of Money Except For Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and Barack Obama” rally, Ben took off the disguise and went to work.
Early this morning Cousin Ben called. He said he came home with all the information we asked for (he also came back with an uneaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich he found on someones desk). After scanning everything he emailed me a report which I read immediately. It was clear that my Cousin found the right documents because one could see that the Democrat’s are already implementing their 2020 strategies.
Below is the executive report of the Democratic Party Autopsy/Strategy document he sent me.
PART ONE: Why we lost:
- In a campaign when the public wanted someone not connected to the establishment our candidate was very establishment.
- Hillary Clinton is to campaigning what Ishtar was to movie making.
- The opposition candidate promised to drain the swamp, our candidate was the political equivalent of “Swamp Thing.”
PART TWO: Strategies for success in 2020:
- Hate everything Trump does whether it’s good or bad–even if Trump walks on water complain that his feet polluted the water. Make sure that Schumer and Pelosi rip every single one of the new administration’s actions–before they are even announced. And remember to work in one the following terms to every criticism; popular vote, misogyny, Russian (hacking or collusion), and of course “screwing the middle class.”
- Expel all pro-life members from the Democratic Party. Anyone who believes that babies deserve to live should not be allowed to live.
- Run an extremely contentious contest for the Chairman of the Democratic primary between someone with major ethics problems, and an anti-Israel anti-Semite with close connections to the terrorist Muslim Brotherhood.
- In an era where people desperately want change, continue the Clinton dynasty by promoting Chelsea Clinton as the new face of the Democratic Party.
- During the transition period the voice of the party should be a socialist, who refuses to call himself a Democrat, and a Democrat who pushes socialist policies and got a job at Harvard law by pretending to be a Native American (because she had high cheekbones).
- Obstruct every Trump appointment even though you know you will lose. To lead the obstruction pick a NY Senator who has no idea of how to wear glasses, and a former comedian who brags that his major qualification is being schooled in absurdity.
- To keep the pressure on the other side, find the most corrupt member of the caucus to call for Trump’s impeachment. Find a member that is so short of brain cells that five minutes after the member makes a charge against Trump, he or she forgets what is said.
- Finally, keep reminding the public that the current president is rich, suggest that every move he makes is meant to make himself richer. Because the voters are idiots and will never remember that they knew Trump was a billionaire when they voted for him. Most importantly make sure they understand that any GOP plan to cut taxes, even if percentage-wise it helps lower and middle classes the most. Regular people do not deserve tax cuts if it means the rich will get to pay less.
- If none of that works…Ask Marcum
That was it. At the end of the note Ben wrote, “Remember you promised me that you would get me tickets the next time the NY Jets were in the Super Bowl.” Poor Ben, he got me what I needed, but I won’t have to pay him back for a very, very, long time.