EXCLUSIVE: The Democratic Party’s List Of Next Attacks On Judge Kavanaugh

Like so many other people, I am curious to find out what the Democratic Party is going to come up with once the FBI investigation finds nothing new about Judge Kavanaugh. We all know that the minority leader Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) will not give up. He's been obstructing everything coming out from the White House ever since Trump was inaugurated, and he's not stopping now.  He has been directing his party to throw out nonsense about Judge Kavanaugh long before the Democrats leaked Dr. Ford's letter.

To be honest, I haven't slept since Thursday night, because I've been worried about to what extent Schumer would go to scuttle the nomination of a guy perfect for the court. Finally, after a restless night, I decided to use my version of the "nuclear option." There was no other choice, I had to send my Cousin Ben the spy to find out what Schumer would do next to oppose Judge Kavanaugh and put party before country.

Ben was in Korea working for military intelligence back in the 1980’s. He is an expert in disguise and a master in interpreting data. When called upon, he does investigative work for me,  and in return, I give him a guarantee that he will get first dibs at the dark meat when we carve the Thanksgiving turkey every year and extra Matzo Balls for his soup on Jewish Holidays.

In almost no time at all Ben found himself crawling into Schumer's office, (the picture below shows where Ben hid while he was waiting for everyone to leave the office).

My cell phone rang lunchtime, and I knew right away that it was Ben (well it was either Ben or the pizza place calling to tell me there was a problem with my delivery).

Thankfully it was Ben (mainly because I was hungry and wanted that pizza ASAP). In typical fashion, he got right to it,

“Jeff, I would never have thought it possible, but the Democrats and their press friends have dug up more phony scandals that they plan to use against Judge Kavanaugh. They didn't even try to hide it.  I found the list under an unopened copy of 'How to wear eyeglasses' which was on top of a copy of 'Learning how to avoid slandering,' which was also unopened and right there on Schumer's desk. I am sending you the list. Check your email in five minutes.”

As I was about to hang up the phone, I heard the sound of a flushing toilet come from Ben's phone and poof, Ben was gone. Sure enough within five minutes, his report popped into my email box. The subject of the email was “Future scandals that the Democrats will use to delay Kavanaugh's nomination till after the midterms.”

• Kavanaugh is a Big Drinker and He Drinks and Drives: They have a witness saying that in kindergarten the future Judge refilled his sippy cup 3x and then drove his red and yellow car all around the romper room.
• Kavanaugh has been accused of theft: A former classmate Tommy Tiberias has submitted a sworn deposition charging Judge Kavanaugh of stealing one of his Oreos during one lunch in fourth grade.
• Kavanaugh Does Dirty things:  Now 90-years-old, Miss MacGillacutty his kindergarten teacher admits the Judge made  “poopy” in his diaper TWICE. She doesn't believe that it's a bad thing because she now does it in her diaper every day.
• Kavanaugh does not respect authority.  When the judge was 12-years-old, his parent’s punished him by instructing him to go to bed early. He ignored their punishment a read a book with a flashlight, UNDER THE COVERS!
• Judge Kavanaugh was seen Kissing and Hugging underaged girls: Actually, it happens a lot, just before he sends his daughters to bed.
• Never saw the movie Spartacus: This was submitted by Senator Booker. Senator Blumenthal proved he doesn't get it by suggesting we add "never served in Vietnam." One day Blumenthal may understand is that it's not that he never served in Vietnam, it's that he said he did, but it was a lie.
• Kavanaugh is coming out of the closet: Not only out of the closet but in it also. The word is that Brett Kavanaugh does it almost every day when he gets dressed, and sometimes does it again when he comes home from work.
• He is a tool of Big Oil: Kavanaugh is entirely dependent on the big oil companies, especially when he takes long rides in his car and when he heats his home.  Apparently, he uses tons of gasoline and heating oil. Without big oil, he would be stranded and very cold.
• Kavanaugh is a lousy Father!  On June 7th, 2015 Judge Kavanaugh was supposed to bring home a gallon of milk on his way home from court. He forgot.
• When In Bush Administration Kavanaugh was known as a leaker: Especially when they moved the water cooler right outside his office, or when he drank a lot of water during lunch.

As you can see all of the scandals and accusations are of the same quality as what the Democrats have shoved at us since President Trump nominated Judge Kavanaugh. The only real scandal involving Judge Kavanaugh is that led by Chuck Schumer the Democrats do not care about the United States, they only care about their political party.