message to the gentiles

Well, folks, it’s that September time of the year again. Beginning with Rosh HaShanah (translated as Head of the Year) on Monday, followed by Yom Kippur and Sukkot, there are seven days we cannot work in a twenty-two-day period.

Along with being the celebration of the four Jewish New Year (long story)  and the creation of the world by God, BTW God’s first creation was the game of Baseball. As the Bible begins, “In the big inning.”

Rosh Hashanah begins the Yamim Noraim, the ten days of awe.  That’s awe as in being God’s presence, not awwwww as in what you say when seeing an ugly baby, but you don’t want to insult the infant’s grandparents.

The ten days between the first day of Rosh Hashanah ending with the final blowing of the Shofar ending Yom Kippur is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider how we missed the mark during the previous year and atone for our wrongs. Five days after Yom Kippur is Sukkot, a very dangerous holiday because it involves Jewish men using tools.

Despite Delta and other variants of the Coronavirus, some of us will be flying down to Florida to celebrate this solemn time with family in God’s waiting room (Boca Raton). In  New York State, where I live, there is a law saying that all Jews must move to Florida once they hit 65 years old. Until Cuomo was forced out a few weeks ago, the punishment for non-compliance was that Governor Cuomo forced you into a nursing home to catch COVID-19 and die.  New Governor Kathy Hochul hasn’t announced the new punishment, but I am still under the age limit, so there’s no need to worry.

For Rosh HaShana, many in “our tribe” will be away from our computers for two and a half days, Monday night, Tues and Wed. While they observe the same number of days during Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur, Israeli Jews end Sukkot a day earlier. They don’t have to spend as many days praying because from Israel to God, it’s a local call.

Before we turn off our computers to start the holiday at sundown, remember, we’ve built a nice little internet here, please behave yourselves while we are gone. We’re not asking–we’re telling.  A few rules to consider:

  • Don’t talk about us while we’re gone. You know that stereotype about the Jews owning all the banks?  It means with one phone call, any of us can shut down your cash card and empty your bank account. You don’t believe the stereotype? Do you really want to test us?
  • Don’t make a mess of the place. The cleaning lady was here on Sunday, the day before the holiday. We don’t want to spend Wednesday night picking up trash!. Hey, we can see what you’re thinking. Get that look off your face. It will freeze that way.
  • No guests while we’re gone. We’ve marked the liquor and know how much is in every bottle.  Remember, we can treat you like adults, or we can treat you like kids…the choice is yours.
  • We left some brisket, chopped liver, and kugel in the fridge in case you get hungry.
  • And for God’s Sake!!! Please put the food back in the fridge when you are done eating. Brisket makes excellent leftovers. Don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Besides, we don’t like to waste food—-there are people starving cities run by Democrats.
  • If you eat any of the food please remember not to go swimming for at least an hour, or you will get cramps and possibly hurt yourself. We don’t want to get sued—remember we have more lawyers than you did.
  • Please stop slouching. It will hurt your back. And don’t crack your knuckles, the sound is annoying, and you will get arthritis.
  • Don’t run with scissors! Remember It’s all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out.
  • When you go outside, remember to close the door, you don’t live in a barn.
  • In case you need us, we left the phone number of where we’ll be on the side of the fridge.
  • Don’t let the Democrats impeach Trump a 3rd time while we’re gone. He is still living rent-free in the Democrats’ heads and might try but they can’t do a trial without Jewish lawyers and to be honest who needs the aggravation.
  • Keep an eye on Adam Schiff, he doesn’t believe in the commandment about not bearing false witness. Don’t worry about Jerry Nadler on Rosh HaShaha, even though he supports anti-Semites nothing can keep him from a holiday brisket.
  • Oh, and one more thing, Summer is almost over. If you go outside, put on a sweater and a hat. Not only will it keep you from getting cold, but it will make Al Gore cry. And don’t try to tell me none of your friends are wearing sweaters…if your friends jumped off the Empire State building–would you?’
  • Also, if you go outside, only wear a mask if Dr, Fauci says not to wear one. He hasn’t gotten anything right about COVID yet. And whether you go out or not remember, wear clean underwear. What will people think of the neighborhood if you’re in an accident wearing dirty underwear?
  • And whatever you do, don’t pray, in many liberal-run states—prayer can get you into big trouble. If you feel you really must get together in a group and pray, wear masks, carry a BLM sign, and an anti-Israel flag If you do that no one will bother you because they will think you are a Democrat.

You may ask, why do you have to do these things? Because I said so!

Thank you for understanding, And to everyone Jewish or Gentile:

 לְשָׁנָה טוֹבָה תִכָּתֵבוּ וְתֵּחָתֵמוּ

May you be inscribed in the book of life for a good and sweet year.


With love and respect,

message to the gentiles
High Holidays