Paul Ryan has made it clear, even if the July Republican convention goes to 100 ballots, he does not want to them to turn to him, he does not want the job! So let’s leave the guy alone. But never fear, I have the perfect guy, the best person for the party to turn to in case no one else can get 1,237 delegates. That person would be me. This is not some cheap attempt at humor, I am 100% serious.
Look at the facts, I am conservative, pro-life, believe in a strong military, and can get along with the party. In fact, I have met RNC Chairman Reince Priebus a few times during the past few years and have never sucker punched him in the nose. Never even shared an angry word (and that despite the fact that he is a Packers fan and I root for the same old Jets).
But the number one reason why the party should turn to me is that I can beat Hillary Clinton.
Face it, according to Hillary her biggest qualification for the presidency is that she is a woman and big would be the first female President of the United States. But there also hasn’t been a Jewish President, a Latino President, a Muslim President, an Asian President, et al. In other words I would be the first Jewish president and could match her glass ceiling for glass ceiling.
Apparently along with her lady-parts Hillary will be following Obama’s 2012 strategy of “improving the lives of the middle class” and “expanding opportunities for working families.” Ms. Clinton once wrote that she hadn’t driven a car in over a dozen years. How the heck can she know what it’s like to be middle class if she doesn’t shlep around in a car. This is a woman who has been waited on hand and foot ever since she was first lady of Arkansas. And remember when she whined how broke she was when her husbands presidency was over? Her “broke” period lasted about five minutes until she signed a multimillion dollar book deal —face it, the lady is loaded. And in between her time as secretary of state and the beginning of her campaign she was adding to her wealth by giving speeches for $200k-$300k a pop.
No one can accuse me of not knowing about the middle class, I have been busting my butt to make a living so my children can have a better life than me. My wife a CPA has been working even harder especially during tax season. I live the life of a middle class working stiff and know what we need; lower taxes, making it easier for companies to create jobs, and the opportunity to make my own medical decisions instead of Obamacare, and that’s just a start.
And while not a top priority, if I were elected president I would get rid of the stupid ecology friendly laws force us to you toilet bowls that can’t flush and light bulbs that take a week to get bright, and even then aren’t bright enough.
I have never gotten a book deal for a few million dollars, but in the interests of transparency there have been times when I’ve received compensation for making speeches. Generally the payments are in food; mostly bagels and a smear, with coffee. Sometimes they have some danish or even some chocolate rugelach, but never the $200k-$300k a pop that Hillary gets.
Oh and unlike the Hillary/Obama policy, I believe Israel is an ally and Iran is not. The new rule will be that the United States will treat all of our allies better than our enemies. In fact to repair our relationship with the only democracy in the Middle East, my first trip as President will be to Israel (as long as the feed me some good Kosher food and I can take my family). I will never support an Islamist revolution against one of our friends like Hillary did with Egypt.
Hillary has been chased by scandal her entire public life, most recently her emails and donations to the Clinton Foundation. To be honest my email accounts have seen lots of erasures, but because I work with public email accounts with volume limits…well that and eliminating the hate mail from Trumpsters.
If elected I will ask my wife will sell her CPA practice so I can put her in charge of finding things in the budget that can be cut. Let me tell you there will be no budgetary sacred cows with Lois. Don’t believe me? You should see her when the credit card bill comes…Jeff why did you buy this, do we really need it? Did you check out competitors to get the best price? You give her the federal budget and the power to ask questions, I guarantee a balanced budget in four years.
Now please understand, I have no intention of running for office, but should the party find themselves in a jam there is an answer that doesn’t involve Paul Ryan. Yours truly is willing to help them out this one time because I am clearly a more superior candidate than Hillary Clinton. BTW, do you know if they show first run movies in the White House theater? And before the pick party leaders should know I don’t work on Saturdays or Jewish Holidays. That really shouldn’t be a problem though because I’m not a golfer therefore my work attendance will be much higher than the man who works in the oval office today.