High Holidays

Well, folks, it’s that September time of the year again. Beginning Friday night with Rosh Hashanah (translated as Head of the Year) through Yom Kippur and Sukkot, there are seven days we cannot work in a twenty-two day period.

Along with being the celebration of the Jewish New Year and the creation of the world by God, Rosh Hashanah begins the Yamim Noraim, the ten days of awe. Note, that’s awe as in being God’s presence, not awwwww as in what you say when seeing an ugly baby, but you don’t want to insult the infant’s grandparents who are showing you pictures while you are trying to pray during the High Holiday services. The ten days between the first day of Rosh Hashanah ending with the final blowing of the Shofar ending Yom Kippur is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and atone for our wrongs.

Despite the Virus, some of us will be flying down to Florida to celebrate this solemn time in God’s waiting room (Boca Raton) with Family. In New York State the law says all Jews have to move to Florida once they hit 65 years old. The punishment for non-compliance is that Governor Cuomo makes you go into a nursing home to catch COVID-19.

Others in “our tribe” will be away from our computers for two and a half days, Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday.

Now PLEASE we’ve built a nice little internet here, please behave yourselves while we are gone.  Remember, we’re not asking–we’re telling.  A few rules to consider:

  • Don’t talk about us while we’re gone. You know that stereotype about the Jews owning all the banks?  That means with one phone call, any of us can shut down your cash card and empty your bank account. Do you believe the stereotype? Do you really want to test us?
  • Don’t make a mess of the place. The cleaning lady will be here on Thursday, the day before the holiday… Hey, we can see what you’re thinking, get that look off your face. It will freeze that way.
  • No guests while we’re gone. We’ve marked the liquor and know how much is in every bottle.  Remember, we can treat you like adults, or we can treat you like kids…the choice is yours.
  • We left some brisket, chopped liver, and kugel in the fridge in case you get hungry.
  • If you eat the brisket, chopped liver, and/or kugel, please remember not to go swimming for at least an hour, or you will get cramps.
  • And for God’s Sake!!! Please put the food back in the fridge when you are done eating. Brisket makes excellent leftovers. Don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Besides, we don’t like to waste food—-there are people starving cities run by Democrats.
  • Please stop slouching. It will hurt your back. And don’t crack your knuckles, the sound is annoying, and you will get arthritis.
  • Don’t run with scissors! You’ll put an eye out.
  • When you go outside, remember to close the door, you don’t live in a barn.
  • We left the phone number of where we’ll be on the side of the fridge.
  • Don’t impeach anyone while we’re gone.  You can’t do a trial without Jewish lawyers. If Schiff and Nadler try to pull anything during the holidays, don’t pay attention. While they claim to be Jewish, they also supported the Iran deal, allowing the Mullahs to build a bomb. In other words, they don’t care about their fellow Jews. All they want to do is makeup stories about this president and trying to overturn the 2016 election or influence the 2020 one.
  • Oh, and one more thing, Summer is almost over. If you go outside, put on a sweater and a hat. Not only will it keep you from getting cold, but it will make Al Gore cry. And don’t try to tell me none of your friends are wearing sweaters…if your friends jumped off the Empire State building–would you?’
  • Also, if you go outside, wear a mask.
  • And whatever you do, don’t pray, in many liberal-run states that could get you into big trouble. If you feel you really must get together in a group and pray….wear masks, and carry a BLM sign, that way, no one will bother you.

Why do you have to do these things? Because I said so!

Thank you for understanding

And to everyone Jewish or Gentile

שָׁנָה טוֹבָה וּמְתוּקָה

May you have a good and sweet year.

With love,

The Jewish People

High Holidays

High Holidays