Let’s face it, the GOP is divided. People are viciously fighting over candidates, issues, even over the wives of candidates. There is one thing, however, that almost every Republican supports, especially as the campaign moves to New York—that is Pizza! Even more important than where they stand on issues such as national defense, taxes, etc., the issue people want to know about most is Pizza. Anyone who claims to be a Republican but doesn’t like pizza is more than a RINO, they are un-American, communists, and want the terrorists to win.
Or as the sign on the Belt Parkway as you near the border from Brooklyn to Queens says, “Fuhgeddaboudit!”
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Pizza prowess is a fundamental skill in New York, it is the ‘Mecca” of the meatball slice, the Smithsonian of sausage, and the Parthenon of plain slices (my favorite is extra cheese and onions). New York has the best pizza in the world (sorry Chicago, but it is true).
So as the candidates bring their campaigns to New York for the primary on April 19, pizza will become a big part of their effort. And a vital part of those pizza politics will be how they eat their slices. A crucial part of appealing to New Yorkers is “connecting with the people.” And in the Empire State, a candidate cannot connect with the voters if he/she cannot eat pizza correctly.
John Kasich’s first venture into pizza politics was a failure. Partaking a slice of the scrumptious delicacy at Gino’s Pizzeria in Queens on Wednesday, the governor of Ohio committed pizza blasphemy. He used a fork to eat his first bite of pizza. The governor tried to spin his way out of it by eating the rest of his pizza the way God intended, folding it in half and eating with his hands. Appearing on ABC’s Good Morning America the candidate whined, “Look, Robin, look, look, the pizza came scalding hot, OK?” Well, I am sorry Governor Kasich, but that is no excuse, as hot as it might have been you still put it in your mouth after butchering it with a fork. The question should now be if you can’t tame a hot slice of pizza, how will you be able to handle ISIS?
Donald Trump also has a yuge problem with partaking in pizza. The picture above was taken in 2011 when he met Sarah Palin for the famous Pizza summit. Apparently, the billionaire bloviator eats entire slices with a knife and fork, and dares to say that he was raised in Queens, New York! Eating pizza that way, how the heck did he avoid getting expelled from Queens College.
After the pizza summit uproar Trump put a video up on YouTube where he explained:
“This this way you can take the top of the pizza off. You’re not just eating the crust. I like to not eat the crust, so you can keep the weight down,” he explained.
Sorry, Mr. Trump, but that is a load of Brooklyn bologna! Every day all across NYC and Long Island, real Americans of every age fold their pizza and using their hands eat their pizza slices all the way up to the edge of the crust, leaving the remains on the plate.
And my reaction is tame compared to Jon Stewart who went absolutely apoplectic.
“Donald Trump, why don’t you just take that fork and stick it right in New York’s eye? (…)Based on how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don’t think you were really born in New York,” (Stewart’s full rant is at the bottom of this post).
Now we come to the Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz says he is a proven conservative and on most the critical issues it’s hard to refute that claim. The senator from Texas doesn’t fail the pizza test; indeed he displays real promise, but his pizza competency needs to be confirmed when he campaigns in New York.
The picture above displays Cruz downing a pepperoni slice seemingly between campaign stops. The good news is there is not a utensil anywhere in the photo, and he is holding the pizza properly. Also, it seems that Cruz learned the proper way to eat a slice from his wife, Heidi. She grew up near San Jose, California, where I understand they correctly eat pizza. Ted Cruz gets bonus points for the fact that he is eating the pizza like a regular guy. He is wolfing it down while sitting in a car using the box to keep parts of the slice from dripping down onto his suit pants. And Senator Cruz seems to be proficiently “porking” down the pepperoni.
The only issue is that the picture was taken outside of New York where the slices are undersized. To confirm his pizza prowess, we will need to see him consume a New York slice. After all, to show that he can handle the enormous federal bureaucracy and the most powerful military force in the world, he has to be seen eating a New York-sized slice of pizza and eat it folded up which is the way God intended man to eat pizza.
In the end, he will likely pass the test, not only because of the influence of his wife but also because he grew up in Texas where everything is bigger.
Neither Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton will be covered in this pizza analysis. Bernie can’t be considered because he has never bought a slice of pizza in his adult life. He’s a socialist. Therefore instead of paying for a slice, Bernie finds the wealthiest person in the room sitting in front of a full pie and demands a few slices of the rich person’s pie. As for Hillary well…she only pretends to like pizza. HRC isn’t even a real New Yorker having moved to the Empire State only because it had an open Senate seat. I haven’t seen this myself, but according to some friends in the know, when Ms. Clinton goes into a pizza joint, she doesn’t even order pizza. Apparently, she brings Huma Abedin with her and tells Abedin to make copies of that particular pizzeria’s secret sauce recipe and pastes it on an email to Mrs. Clinton–going through the private server, she wasn’t supposed to have when she ran the State Dept. The former secretary of state then emails the secret recipe to Sid Blumenthal who uses it as an excuse to trash Israel. Hillary goes from table to table in the pizzeria and wipes them clean with a rag. Even though she doesn’t eat any pizza when she leaves, she tells reporters, “Hey, I was in the Pizza joint for eleven hours, and that alone proves that I ate pizza!”
So in the next 18 days, we need to watch the Senator from Texas to confirm his pizza prowess. Only then will we be able to prove decisively whether Ted Cruz has a pizza advantage over Donald Trump and John Kasich–a significant consideration for New Yorkers in deciding who to vote for in the GOP primary.
Below as promised is the Jon Stewart video: