Memorandum

To: The Gentiles and Secular Jews

From: Observant Jews

Before I begin, allow me to explain what I mean by “observant Jew.” Any Jew from any denomination of Judaism who follows the tenets of their flavor of Judaism is observant. Any person who has a Jewish mother or who was converted by a Bet Din is Jewish, whether they are observant or not.

Oh, and sorry, “Messianic Jews,” you ain’t Jewish. You are Christians. Be proud of that. Stop saying you are Jewish.

It’s that September time of Year again—except this Year, it’s in October. Beginning with Rosh Hashanah (translated as of the Year) on Wednesday night, followed by Yom Kippur and Sukkot, observant Jews can’t work for seven out of twenty-two days.

After the holidays, Gentile and Secular Jews who rely on tweets as their primary means of communication should not accuse their observant Jewish tweet-using friends of lying when they tweet, “I am sorry I haven’t answered any of your tweets. It’s been a Jewish holiday for almost a month.

I know it seems weird, but the upcoming holidays—indeed, all Jewish holidays—start on different secular calendar dates every Year. That’s because the secular one is a solar calendar based on the Earth’s orbit around the sun. The Jewish calendar is a lunar calendar, which is based on the phases of the moon.

Some Gentiles have accused the Jews kept the lunar calendar difference just to confuse Gentiles and Secular Jews. That’s not true (maybe).

Along with being the first of four Jewish New Year’s (long story), Rosh Hashana is traditionally the day that GD created Adam and Eve, the only time in world history a woman tried on only one “fig leaf” before she went out.

The first day of Rosh Hashana is the start of what Jews call the ten days of awe. Yom Kippur is day number ten (Note: that’s awe as in reverence, Not using the word as an exclamation as in, “what a cute baby”).

That story was not the first creation. Gd’s first creation was the game of Baseball. The book of Genesis begins, “In the big inning.

Rosh Hashanah begins the Yamim Noraim, the ten days of awe. That’s awe as in being in Gd’s presence, not awwwww as in what you say when you see an ugly baby in the synagogue but don’t want to upset the grandparents.

Yom Kippur is a time for serious introspection, considering how we missed the mark during the previous Year and atoning for our wrongs.

Five days after Yom Kippur is Sukkot, a very dangerous holiday because it involves Jewish men using tools.

On Rosh Hashanah, many in “our tribe” will be away from our computers for two and a half days, Wednesday at sundown through Friday at sundown, which is Shabbat. A Rosh Hashanah tradition is that the families hosting dinners on Rosh Hashanah are stuck with brisket leftovers for four to five days.

VERY IMPORTANT information. Many of us will fly to Florida to celebrate this solemn time with family in Gd’s waiting room (Boca Raton). In New York State, where I live, there is a law saying that all Jews must move to Florida once they hit 65 years old (SHHH, I haven’t complied—YET). Making Aliyah and moving to Israel satisfies that NY law. And if you bring a young family with you, your joy will be doubled.

Before we turn off our computers at sundown on Wednesday to start the holiday, please remember we’ve built a friendly little internet here. Please behave yourselves while we are gone. We’re not asking–we’re telling.

Here are a few rules to consider:

Don’t talk about us while we’re gone. Do you know that stereotype about the Jews owning all the banks? It’s true. With one phone call, we can shut down your cash card and empty your bank account. You don’t believe the stereotype? Do you really want to test us?
Don’t make a mess of the place. The cleaning lady was here on Tuesday, the day before the holiday. We don’t want to spend Sunday picking up trash!
No guests while we’re gone. We’ve marked the liquor and know how much is in every bottle. Remember, we can treat you like adults or like kids…the choice is yours.
In case you get hungry, we left some brisket, chopped liver, and kugel in the fridge.
And for Pete’s Sake!!! Please put the food back in the fridge when you are done eating.
Besides, we don’t like tpeople are starvingeople starving in Hoboken.
If you eat any food, please remember not to go swimming for at least an hour, or you will get cramps and possibly hurt yourself. We don’t want to get sued—remember, we have more lawyers than you do.
Stop slouching. It will hurt your back. And don’t crack your knuckles; the sound is annoying, and you will get arthritis.
Don’t run with scissors! Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out.
Remember to close the door when you go outside; you don’t live in a barn.
In case you need us, we left the phone number of where we’ll be on the side of the fridge. But don’t call during services unless it’s a major emergency like Tommy accidentally cut a finger off.
Summer weather is almost over. If you go outside, put on a sweater and a hat. Not only will it keep you from getting cold, but it will make Al Gore cry. And don’t try to tell me none of your friends are wearing sweaters…if your friends jumped off the Empire State Building–would you.
Whether you go out or not, remember to wear clean underwear. What will people think of the neighborhood if you’re in an accident wearing dirty underwear?
If you choose to chew gum, make sure you don’t swallow the gum. If you do, your poo will bounce up and down when you go to the bathroom.
Don’t stream anything your parents haven’t approved. We have probably seen the film and can give you good advice, like when Tommy wanted to watch Pulp Fiction. He didn’t know until we told him it was a documentary about oranges.
Don’t stay up too late; remember, the internet lady turns everything off around eight at night.