Every year Pat Robertson goes on a prayer retreat kind of like his “quality time” with God. This is when the Lord gives Pat those personal tidbits about what’s going to happen in the world. This year’s tidbit was:

“If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms,” Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, “There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.”

Reading this quote got me thinking why God would pick Pat Robertson to talk to. This is a guy who has called for the assassination of the Venezuelan President, prayed for the death of Supreme Court Justices and blamed 9/11 on “gays, abortionists, the ACLU, and the People For the American Way”

The other thing I wondered about was the subject matter of their discussion. There’s good old Pat, he’s going one on one with the creator of the universe for an entire week…. and all he gets is a weather report !? Let’s be real. I sure that Pat has cable TV in his house. He doesn’t need God for a forecast…he can just click over to the Weather channel. They had to talk about other things besides the weather. Let face it Moshe was up there for 40 days and got 613 commandments, in seven days pat had to get at least a hundred or so.

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So I placed a call over to the 700 Club get the REAL scoop about Pat’s dialogs with the Lord.

As soon as he picked up the 700 Club phone, the guy the other side of the line sounded very familiar. He explained to me that the evangelist organization couldn’t release that kind of information without first receiving a major donation…then it hit me…this guy sounded just like my friend Norman.

“Norm is that you?” I asked.
“Hey Yid. Good to hear from you” he said.
“Norm, What are you doing working for the 700 Club, you’re Jewish. And besides don’t you work for the Jewish Federation?”
“Sure” he said, ” And I still do. But the 700 Club needed a good fundraiser and you know we’re the very best. I’m moonlighting. Business is business.”

After chatting with Norm, I got off the phone and tried again.

This time I hit pay dirt, Pat’s minister of information and former NYC taxi driver, Reverend Jim.

“Well er what was that again?” said the good reverend. He kind of sounded out of it but after I re-explained the purpose of my call, he gave me the scoop

“First of all you are right there was a lot more discussed then weather. God gave Mr. Roberts some private messages, like to tell Fox to clean up the American Idol voting, and that Chris should have won.” Jim went on to say that Idol is the Lord’s favorite TV show.

Jim also told me that God gave Pat a map to forward to the FBI. It was one of those old Esso gas station maps of Michigan. On the map there was a red “x” marked on a location outside of Detroit. Jim didn’t know what the map was for, but right after Robertson sent it, the FBI said that they had a new lead in the Jimmy Hoffa case.

Each time they talk, God gives the Cable TV prophet some insight into why he created parts of the universe. This way, he can see how things inter-relate. For example, last year God explained to Pat that dandelions were created for dogs to enjoy. (He didn’t say anything about Gaza creating Sharon’s stroke— Robertson improvised that).

This year God talked about the reason for wind. According to Rev. Jim wind was created to discourage the “comb-over”. Those hairdos that involve bald guys taking what’s left of their hair and combing it over their heads. This usually involves placing their hair part just above the ear. “God” said Jim, “ thinks that men should have more self confidence and has never been a big fan of comb-overs or tacky toupees.

“Reverend Jim” I asked, “One last question. Why would God talk through Pat Robertson at all? I mean, he isn’t very tolerant, he prays for people to die, he comforts family’s of the sick by saying that their loved ones illness is caused by the sick person’s sins, it just doesn’t seem like the behavior of a messenger of the Lord. I thought we pray for people to change their ways not for their demise.”

“ Yid’ explained Jim, “Its all about television. So much of TV is sex, and violence. God talks to Pat because when he goes on the TV and makes his outlandish statements, its good family educational comedy. Not only does it make people laugh, but it also makes families discuss where Pat is going wrong. Pat’s in on it, Its kind of like a character. The real purpose of the retreat is for God to help Robertson write the script of outrageous statements for the next twelve months.”

With that we ended our conversation. I sat back and remembered that old cliché “ the Lord works in mysterious ways”

Does he ever!