Last week congress passed the Military Commissions Act, granting the Bush administration powers to detain interrogate and prosecute alleged terrorists and their supporters. Congress had to walk a fine line in creating this legislation; information gathered from the detainees has been an important tool in preventing terrorist attacks in the United States. But we had to show the administration and the world that AMERICA DOES NOT TORTURE!

One of the interrogation methods outlawed by this bill is something called waterboarding. Journalists Brian Ross and Richard Esposito described the CIA ‘s waterboarding technique as follows:

The prisoner is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner’s face and water is poured over him. Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt. They said al Qaeda’s toughest prisoner, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, won the admiration of interrogators when he was able to last over two minutes before begging to confess..

Imagine that! Two whole long minutes of torture, what a horrible, horrible act for the CIA to perform on this poor prisoner. Especially when you consider that all he ever did was kill almost 3,000 people by planning the 9/11 bombings, and ordering Daniel Pearl’s head cut off. How could we take a nice guy like that and put his head under the water for two whole minutes. If he just had his hair styled, it would be ruined!

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What is not being reported in the papers is the fact that many other severe methods of “aggressive” questioning are not covered by the legislation passed next week. Some of these are even more horrible than waterboarding. For example:

Insurance Guys Torture: In this method, terrorists are locked in a room with an insurance salesman trying to convince him to get a new life insurance policy and a CPA trying to explain his deductions. Usually two days in this cell convinces the terrorists to provide their most secret plans. This mode of questioning has caused some hapless victims to lose their mind.

Lucy In The Sky Torture: It has been widely publicized that terrorist have been forced to remain awake for days by loud music being piped into their cells. In a despicable offshoot of this interrogation procedure prisoners are kept awake with the most horrible of sounds, William Shatner, the former Captain Kirk singing “Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds.” Some former Al Qaeda terrorists have resorted to puncturing their own eardrums rather than spend one more second listening to the former Star Trek star. If you would like to listen to this torture click here.
Originally terrorists were forced to watch Jerry Lewis movies all night long, but that method proved unsuccessful, because of the terrorist’s affinity to France where Mr. Lewis is regarded as a comedy hero.

Perhaps the most aggressive torture still allowed by Congress is not directed at terrorists but at the American people. For months now each party has been wasting time blaming the other for ignoring the terrorist threats. Hillary vs. Condy, Bill vs. Fox TV, Democrat vs. Republican, over and over, instead of trying to offer solutions, it is us the American citizens who are tortured by being subject to this pointless debate. The fact is until 9/11 EVERY PRESIDENT IGNORED THE TERRORIST THREAT. Carter, Bush I, Regan, Clinton, Bush II, all dropped the ball. In fact today five years after 9/11 Carter still refuses to acknowledge an Islamic terrorist threat. Congress needs to realize that the past is the past, we need to spend time figuring out how to win the war rather than whine about whose fault it is. Both parties screwed up the past. So when you go into the voting booth in November, ignore the torture, don’t listen to the debate about who did what, make your decision based on which party will best protect you and your children from additional terror. Which party acknowledges the war on terror and is best poised to win it.