(Dec. 2, 2015, Not True News Service)
Early this morning at a Washington D.C. news conference archeologists working for the Smithsonian Institution announced an incredible discovery–a hidden version of the U.S Constitution dated 1790. It was passed by the original 13 States and intended to supplant the version ratified in 1788 (the one we use now). The revised Constitution includes many of the social justice provisions liberals claimed was in the version we’ve mistakenly used the past 227 years.
The chief archeologist on the project named the document “The Lost Hillary Email Scrolls,” because they were found in a forgotten bathroom located in a cavern underneath the Foggy Bottom building housing the U.S. State Department.
According to the archeologists, a State Department intern who mistakenly thought Secretary Kerry wanted to find his predecessor’s emails, was searching the cavern when he felt the call of nature. As he entered the bathroom he saw a closet which he opened because he believed it housed another hidden Hillary email server. Instead the intern saw the document amongst some broken beer bottles from an ancient beer summit, a box of missing government issued birth control, and a huge orange sign which read “This Cave Funded by President Washington’s Stimulus Plan.”
Archeologists determined the cave was once occupied by an ancient cult of Americans called the “Progressines.”
On the wall of the closet was a drawing of someone who looked almost exactly like President Obama with the caption, “Redeemer.” Next to the drawing is another of what seems to be a man in a tutu. Under that picture is written the words “Always Blame Bush.”
The revised constitution begins with an amazingly prophetic preamble,
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a Union even more perfecter than we did two years ago, do ordain and establish this brand spanking new Constitution for the United States of America recognizing that because of the tea party the document approved in 1788 neglected to talk about social justice.
The over-all document is very similar to the Constitution passed in 1788, it just adds a few things:
- Under the census provision it adds, “if a large group of foreign nationals come into the country illegally, they are to be counted in the census as not to appear racist.” It adds, “possible terrorists are to be allowed into the country without vetting.”
- A new heading called elections reads, if a party arises called Republicans, let it be shouted through the land that they hate the poor, women, and minorities.
- The executive branch articles include a provision that says, “The Attorney General of the Country at his discretion may send AK-47s to foreign drug cartels. And another one which says “Anyone who Disagrees with the policies of an African-American President, shall be deemed a hate-monger and a racist.”
- There is now a glossary of terms in the constitution explaining the words such as Taxes (shall be called revenue enhancements) and Criminally Trespassing into the country (undocumented migrants).
- The newer constitution still calls for a bicameral legislative branch, but with a slight difference. The upper chamber is called the Senate, the lower chamber is called “The Stubborn Rich-Loving, Tea Party-led House.”
It is quite amazing the way these Progressines were able to see into the future, beyond the prophetic articles and preamble, included in this revised constitution was a document called “The Bill of Other
Rights Which Corrects the Original Constitutions Wrongs,” these included:
- There is not only a freedom of religion but a freedom from religion.
- The right to health care unless you are a senior (sorry grandma).
- Government may not interfere with a woman’s choices about her own body when it comes to aborting children which are only clumps of cells anyway. On the other hand government is allowed to tell both women and men what kind of food and beverages to put in their body.
- We were only kidding about the right to bear arms.
- There is a right of Unions to be bailed out even if the government has to take over the entire automotive industry.
- The right to high speed internet is guaranteed.
- The right to free birth control is guaranteed.
- The right to Nursery School is guaranteed.
- The government has the right to control free speech on the internet, talk radio, and Fox News.
- The President has the right to play golf during a crisis, especially if an American is being beheaded.
- The government has the right to redistribute income because officially it’s their money. The wealthiest 1% have more money than they deserve.
- There is no such thing as national debt, if the federal government every owes trillions of dollars the president is directed to close his eyes, click his heels together three times and say aloud, “there is no federal deficit.” Once that is done the POTUS is allowed to lie to the citizens about any debt.
Some skeptics will tell you that this document is an obvious forgery however, anybody doubting the pedigree of this document is obviously taking a bipartisan effort and trying to interject partisanship.
For proof of its validity, just look at the fact that via its policies, this document has already been endorsed by the Obama administration.
Perhaps the best reason to believe that this document is real, is the fact that the provisions of this revised constitution were put into practice when Barack Obama became president. If these provisions were followed without a supporting constitutional document, the mainstream media who
is counted upon to be a watchdog over the government would scream bloody murder but they have been totally silent. You see, it has to be real!
According to the archeologists, there are more documents in the cave, specifically court precedents supporting the revised constitution and a history of Chicago politics, which will be released as soon as they are written– examined.