When I first heard about the Harvard paper addressing the power of the Jewish Lobby an uneasy chill ran down my spine. After all, this “academic” paper blew the cover off how Jews control the US State department and American Foreign Policy.

In editorials across the Arab world (and even some in Europe and the US) this study was praised as accurate and scholarly. Although this rapid-fire news initially horrified me, I now realize that the time to be horrified is over. It is high time to fess up and tell the world the truth: We Jews do control US policy; in fact we run the world. And we’ve been running things for a very long time, manipulating world events for our own needs.

It’s time to reveal the truth that many famous people throughout history were actually Jewish — part of the plot to perpetuate the myth and keep us in charge. Martin Luther – yep, a Jew! But that one was pretty obvious. After all, he is famous for quitting his church to form a new one, a regular practice in synagogues around the world today.

Napoleon was a Jew — no wonder he wanted to reconvene the Sanhedrin. Napoleon had this nervous habit of playing with the Chai hanging on a chain around his neck all the time. So nobody would realize that he was Jewish, he would hide the chain. Alexander Graham Bell, another closet Jew, invented the telephone… so that he could call his mother.

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Now that a great academic institution such as Harvard has brought things out in the open, maybe we should be totally honest and start telling the world everything.

For those of you wondering about the media…yep it’s Jewish controlled. We have this guy Lenny (a Levite) who lives in Cleveland with his wife and two kids. Lenny inherited the media-control job from his father, Mel, who in 1942 was able to convince the New York Times and other western newspapers to bury coverage of the Holocaust on page 27.

All the news media in the world report to Lenny. As a news director, he is the best we’ve had for centuries. It was Lenny who thought up the idea that most news media should slant their coverage against Israel. He figured that if reporters give the impression that Jewish blood is cheap, no one would figure out that we were actually running things. A few years ago Lenny won a UJA (Underground Jewish Action) award for coming up with the idea that media should not use the word “terrorist” when a Jew was killed.

For those of you who follow college basketball, this year’s entire NCAA Cinderella story of George Mason was Lenny’s creation. He liked their theme song “living on a prayer” All along Lenny had Mason loosing to Florida in the final four. After all, there are lots of Jews living in Florida, and Lenny owed them a favor.

The banks? No one believes that silly thing about Jewish bankers in New York controlling all the money. Sure, they’re all Jewish, but they come from the Netherlands, not New York. We run the world’s monetary system from the EU central office. Our man there is named Harvey Cohn. Harvey runs a tight ship. He’s the guy who keeps funneling tens of millions of dollars to aid HAMAS.

I spoke to Harvey today; he agrees that it’s time to let the cat out of the bag. But there is one thing he would like to do first. You see, much of the world’s “anti-Semitism” is part of the plot to perpetuate the myth that we do not run the world. One country, France, isn’t involved at all. They really do hate the Jews. Harvey says that before the word gets out, he wants to use his vast financial powers to cancel every credit card owned by a member of the French government.

One thing that may surprise people is that George Bush is actually Jewish. He converted five years ago (it’s the only way we would let him run for president). I was honored by being invited to his bris. My wife made a cheesecake. The President’s new Chief of Staff, Joshua Bolton…well, why do you think his nickname in the White House is Bad Mitzvah.

As far as foreign policy goes, it’s been Jewish controlled for a long time. Even recently deceased Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger was in on it; he just acted like he hated Jews to throw people off the trail.

Oh, and that war against Iraq? Well, Pat Buchanan was right — our idea. But it had nothing to do with Israel, and everything to with chickpeas. You see, one thing that we don’t control is the falafel market, and that is going to change very, very soon

And by the way, the Saudis were right; Barbie dolls were created as a plot to destroy the minds of Muslim children. And about the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, can you believe that some people still think that’s a forgery?!

I think the most fun project we have done recently is giving the Iranians the underwater missile technology, not only did we put a flaw in the system, but we can hardly wait for the Iranian government to find out that they are a bunch of Zionist tools. The credit for this idea goes to Secretary of State Condoleezza (her real name is Hadassah) Rice.

Coming out with the truth may lift a terrible burden from our shoulders. No more hiding, no more plotting, just going about the business of ruling the world. There is, however, a downside. What if people don’t believe us? What if people were to hate us so much that they start to think we have little control over world events? What if they were to think that the Jews are an ancient people who survived only through love of God and His Torah? What if people were to look at us, not as world dominators, but as the teachers of how to love God and each other? What am I saying? No one could believe that!