Well, folks, it’s that September time of the year again. Beginning Sunday night with Rosh HaShanah (translated as Head of the Year) through Yom Kippur and Sukkot, there are seven days we cannot work in a twenty-two-day period.

Along with being the celebration of the Jewish New Year and the creation of the world by God, Rosh Hashanah begins the Yamim Noraim, the ten days of awe,  Note, that’s awe as in being God’s presence, not awwwww as in what you say when seeing an ugly baby, but you don’t want to insult the infant’s grandparents who are showing you pictures while you are trying to pray during the High Holiday services.

The ten days between the first day of Rosh Hashanah ending with the final blowing of the Shofar ending Yom Kippur is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and atone for our wrongs.

Some of us will be flying down to Florida to celebrate this solemn time in “God’s waiting room,” which is more commonly known as  Boca Raton. In New York State, the law says all Jews have to move to Florida once they hit 65 years old. The punishment for non-compliance is Al Sharpton, and most of the congressional Democrats will conduct an anti-Semitic protest in your basement (and they won’t clean up).

Because of the coming holidays, we would like to provide our Gentile friends with a list of dos and don’ts for the days we are gone.  PLEASE REMEMBER, we’ve built a nice little internet here. Behave yourselves while we are gone.  We’re not asking–we’re telling.  Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene was correct—there is a Jewish space laser. We can zap you anytime we want.

A few rules to consider:

  • Don’t talk about us while we’re gone. You know that stereotype about the Jews owning all the banks?  That means with one phone call, any of us can shut down your cash card and empty your bank account. Do you believe the stereotype? Do you really want to test us?
  • Don’t make a mess of the place. The cleaning lady will be here on Friday, two days before the holiday…Hey you, we can see what you’re thinking. Get that look off your face. It can freeze that way.
  • No guests while we’re gone. We’ve marked the liquor and know how much is in every bottle.  Remember, we can treat you like adults, or we can treat you like kids…the choice is yours.
  • We left some brisket, chopped liver, and kugel in the fridge in case you get hungry.
  • If you eat the brisket, chopped liver, and/or kugel, please remember- don’t go swimming for at least an hour after you eat, or you will get cramps.
  • And for God’s Sake!!! Please put the food back in the fridge when you are done eating. Brisket makes excellent leftovers. Don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Besides, we don’t like to waste food—-there are people starving in the Blue States
  • Don’t run with scissors! You’ll put an eye out.
  • Stop slouching. It will hurt your back. And don’t crack your knuckles either. The sound is annoying, and you will get arthritis.
  • If you see Chuck Schumer tell him to push his glasses up. It’s bad enough that he doesn’t care about helping NY State or the country unless it will give his party at least one more vote, but wearing his glasses on the tip of his nose makes him look like a schoolmarm.
  • When you go outside, remember to close the door, you don’t live in a barn, and I don’t own stock in the electric company.
  • We left the phone number of where we’ll be on the side of the fridge. But we won’t be carrying our cell phones to Synagogue. Our Rabbi has special powers, and the last time people touched cell phones during services, their faces started melting like that scene in “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” when the Nazis tried to open the Ark of the Covenant.
  • Oh, and one more thing, Summer is almost over. If you go outside, put on a sweater and a hat. Not only will it keep you from getting cold, but it will make Al Gore cry when he realizes it’s cold outside… And don’t try to tell me none of your friends are wearing sweaters…if your friends jumped off the Empire State building–would you?’
  • Most importantly, don’t pray; liberals hate people of faith. If you really feel you must get together and pray….wear masks that say “Biden stopped COVID, and carry signs that say “The Radical MAGAs Are Evil”  that way, no liberal woke crazy will bother you.

Why do you have to follow those rules? Because I said so!

Thank you for understanding, and to everyone, both Jews and Gentiles.

שָׁנָה טוֹבָה וּמְתוּקָה

May you have a good and sweet year.

  With love,

  The Jewish People