Some would say that this is a normal situation for me, but nevertheless I have been very confused all week. While all of the news sources have reported that there is some kind of “unofficial” cease fire between Israel and Hamas (brokered by Egypt) the two parties have, and continue to deny it.

Obviously I need to stay ahead of the news for my readers here on Yidwithlid, so I was left with no other choice but to send my cousin Ben the Spy to Gaza.

Ben worked for military intelligence back in the 1980’s. He is an expert in disguise a master in interpreting data, and the best part is, he is willing to work for free, as long as he gets first dibs on the Matzo Balls every Passover. So knowing I was in a bind (and that Passover is a month away) Cousin Ben went to Gaza City to get me the scoop so I can share it will all of you.

Per his usual routine Ben hid in the men’s room of Hamas headquarters. Ben hides there because he feels that people talk more freely when they are trying to avoid looking at the guy at the next urinal.

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When the phone rang this morning I knew it was Ben (either him or my mom telling me to wear a hat because it was cold out).

Ben: PIGS, they Are absolute PIGS
Sammy: Oh MY GOD, are they planning some brutal attack?
Ben: No
Sammy: Did you see mass torture?
Ben: No
Sammy: Then WHAT BEN….WHAT?
Ben: Not one of them washes their hands after they wipe.

Ben and I discussed the poor sanitary habits of the terrorists, but after a while I insisted that he tell me about the truce.

Ben: its the strangest thing– Khaled Mashaal is the biggest Bill Cosby fan. When the negotiations began-his opening offer was a Bill Cosby routine.
Sammy: Ben you have to explain.
Ben: The first offer he sent Israel was:

“Cap’n Sitting Bull, this is Cap’n Custer. Cap’n Custer, this is Cap’n Sitting Bull. Cap’n Custer, you are the visiting team; call the toss. He calls heads, and it’s tails. Cap’n Sitting Bull, you win the toss. What’ll it be? Um hum … Um hum. Cap’n Custer, Cap’n Sitting Bull says you get only 250 soldiers, and you and your men have to ride down to that valley and wait until Cap’n Sitting Bull and all the rest of the Indians in the world ride down on you!”

Sammy: Wait a Second, thats the same deal they have with Abbas
Ben: Exactly what Israel replied, but in the end they did work out an EIGHT POINT plan

  1. Israel will no longer act to incite its citizens anybody who is murdered by a Hamas terrorist will not be described as dead by the Israeli government. They will be described as “Mostly dead.” ….To quote Miracle Max in the Princess Bride “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change”
  2. Hamas agrees to come up with its OWN characters to teach their children to hate…no more stealing from Disney.
  3. Hamas gets to send rockets into Israel all it wants. Israel gets to act like its going to attack Hamas and protect its citizens all it wants, but she agrees NEVER to do anything.
  4. Israel gets to release Hamas prisoners, even those with blood on their hands. Israel get to ASK that Cpl Shalit be returned and each time Hamas will answer the same way, “what I cant hear you–I’m loosing my cell phone signal–HELLO?”
  5. Hamas gets to infiltrate the United States through organizations like CAIR.
  6. Israel gets to announce that Barak Obama is NOT a Muslim, and Elliot Spitzer is NOT Jew.
  7. Israel promises to sit idly by as the Muslims that control the Temple Mount destroy ANY relics from the two Jewish Temples.
  8. Israel Agrees to take steps ensuring that Ehud Olmert keep the office of Prime Minister– because everyone knows, he is the terrorists best weapon.

“BEN” I said, “are you sure?” this sound like the same plan that Israel has been following for two years.” “Maybe you are right,” he said “I will try again. Tell your wife I am looking forward to the Matzo Balls.”

And with that there was a click on the other line. If Ben Gets Back to me with new information I will let you know, but as of now it looks as if Israel is continuing with same mistakes that it has made for years.