Yesterday I was all confused, when I originally heard the news that Glenn Beck was leaving his daily Fox TV show, I wasn’t surprised. Beck had been dropping hints about it since the end of 2010. He was saying things like, “You must prepare yourselves to carry on without me,” which was a signal that he was either looking for other opportunities, God-Forbid, had a fatal illness, or that girl he dated during his alcoholic days finally admitted to the police that he was fully aware of the fact that she was only nine.

On the other hand, the folks at Media Matters claimed victory, they said their efforts to slander Beck had finally worked and Fox was getting rid of him.  According to the Soros funded group, Beck’s audience was way down (even though he still beats most prime time cable audiences) and thanks to their efforts, every TV advertiser in the universe refused to advertise on his program (even those in the Gamma Quadrant).

The Jewish Funds for Justice agreed, in fact they said that the efforts of the 400 Rabbis who condemned Beck in the Wall Street Journal was a big factor in what they claimed was the cancellation of the Beck show.  Apparently those “Rabbis” were praying to God non-stop ever since someone explained to them what prayer was (and what God was also).

There were two contradictory version of the Beck story and I was driven to find out which one was true. So like I always do in a case like this, I called my Cousin Ben, the spy (his mother wanted him to go to med school, but that is a story for a different day). Ben worked for military intelligence back in the 1980’s. He is an expert in disguise a master in interpreting data, and the best part is, he is willing to work for free, he gets first dibs on the Matzo Balls at my house every Passover. So knowing I was in a bind (and that Passover is less than two week away) Ben went right to work.

Per his usual routine Ben hid in the men’s room of Mercury Radio Arts while Beck had his 7am staff meeting.  Ben hides there because he feels that people talk more freely when they are trying to avoid looking at the guy at the next urinal. 

Ben sent me a text message saying that there was nothing going on in the WC, so he would try to break into Beck’s office as soon as his show started. 

About 10am my phone rang, I knew it was Ben (well, either Ben or my wife calling from work telling me to take out the garbage).

Ben was all excited, “I found it,” he said, “Glenn Beck actually wrote the reasons why he is leaving his show down on a black board, I will fax it to you” 

I stood excited by the fax machine, not only to find out the truth, but to see how Ben figured out how to put an entire blackboard into the fax machine.  Soon there was the tell-tale ring and as the fax started coming through, I realized that Ben wasn’t sending the black board through the fax, just a picture of what was written on the board.

This is what Beck had written down:

Reasons Why I Am Shutting Down The Fox Show
1)  George Soros Asked Me To.  Soros was giving Media Matters too much money to track everything Beck does and says.  With him gone they can fire the 57 people tracking everything tracking the TV show (the radio staff stays). Soros can put the saved money toward a his plan to form a new world order.

2) Embarrassed to Be On TV Lately. About a month ago, on advice from Deidre Imus, Beck’s wife put him on a diet of grass and hay.  Unfortunately Beck has grown an udder and tail and is totally embarrassed to appear in public. In fact the person appearing in his touring comedy show is actually Mercury employee Brian Sack in a Beck costume.

3) Threats from Donald Trump. Beck’s recent appearance on Bill O’ Reilly casting doubts about the billionaire’s presidential run has so angered Trump that he has vowed revenge.  Trump has investigators looking into Beck’s birth certificate with the purpose of proving that he was really born in New Jersey and is the bastard son of Richard Cloward and Frances Fox Piven.

4) The Mormon Church. Beck was getting much too big. There is a secret rule in the Mormon Church that no one is allowed to become more famous than Donnie and Marie Osmond.  Beck quit in order to stay true to church doctrine.

5) Ghosts.  Beck has not been able to sleep for over a year.  Every night, the Ghost of Woodrow Wilson has come to his bedroom and whispered in his ear, “Van Jones loves you.” The poor guy is shutting down his TV with the hopes of getting one good night of sleep.

6) The Jews.  Despite the fact that Beck supports Jewish causes and the State of Israel, the folks at Media Matters have convinced the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy that Beck hates “the chosen people.”  We know from Media Matters Senior Fellow MJ Rosenberg that Jews control the media, those Jews had Beck fired.

7) Gold– Every work day, Glenn Beck makes the trip across town from his Mercury offices to Fox News Headquarters.  Unfortunately, he keeps all those gold coins he advertises in his pocket.  The gold bouncing up and down in his pocket ruins his pants.  Beck is quitting his show to avoid shopping for new clothes.

8) Twinkies- Upset at his anemic ratings, Chris Matthews of MSNBC promised Beck a lifetime supply of Twinkies if he would only quit his show.  Beck negotiated the addition of ice cream to go with the Twinkies and the two had a deal.

There was a list of over one hundred items just like that.

After I finished reading the Items I phoned Cousin Ben, the spy. “Ben” I asked “Are you sure you got the right blackboard?  Did you look at it? This list is totally ridiculous” “Jeff” Cousin Ben countered, “are they any more ridiculous than what the mainstream media or Media Matters is saying?” I thought about it for a second, and as usual, my Cousin Ben’s analysis was spot on.

Those are the reasons that in the near future you will not be able to watch the Glenn Beck show on Fox. Don’t believe those exposes you will see on “news shows” such as Good Morning America, claiming Beck and Fox News guru Roger Ailes have had a falling out, or the claims that his show’s audience is down to thirteen people, one puppy and a hamster.
At the same time don’t believe the Beck explanation that he is moving on so he could lead his Mercury Radio company into new directions.  Think about, in the past few years, the company has moved into books, videos, producing internet specials, developing an online TV business, stage shows and a major internet site, come on where else can that company go?

Listen to my Cousin Ben, the Spy he wouldn’t lead us wrong (if he wants the good matzo balls next week).

And as for the future, you never know what may happen.

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