While speaking during his Hardball show earlier this week, Mr. Tinkle Down his legs, Chris Matthews waxed poetic about how wonderful the universe would be if only Barack Obama was re-elected in 2012.  Well almost, what he really said was how lousy things he would be if a Republican were elected. He warned

“Tea Partiers and neocons…celebrating the death penalty, elevating torture, ending environmental protection as we know it, breaking unions, punishing gays, starting more wars, and enacting one more giant tax cut for the rich – or worse

Maybe Matthews has a point. While the list of horrors he mentioned are close to our agenda, Matthews is a bit off on every item he listed, but he has spurred me into thinking  maybe its time for the tea partying neo-cons like me to admit what we really have in store for this country should our people get elected in 2012. Since no one else is willing to do it…I guess it will be up to me to let the world know. Below is the secret Tea Partiers list of what we will get done in the first year after we take over, its very close to what Mr. Tinkle said above.

  • The Death Penalty– Matthews is wrong, Conservatives celebrate life and those who believe in a death penalty feel it is a necessary evil.  That being said, we plan to add two crimes to the Capital Punishment list.
–Wearing too much perfume. You know those people who always plop down next to you on a train or bus, mostly women, who smell like they basted themselves is “aire de cheapo perfume?” Sorry ladies, but that is a crime against humanity.
–Cell phone abusers. You are on the 6 am train into Manhattan catching a precious few extra moments of sleep,  when suddenly two rows in front of you a guy rouses you out of your slumber by talking loudly into his cell phone about his “conquest” the night before. Under a GOP/Tea Party administration, US DHS Agents will be on each and every bus and train car with orders to shoot and kill the loud public phone talker.

    • Elevating torture.  Again Matthews has the right idea but not in the way he thinks. We will not be torturing any al Qaeda terrorists, but we will be torturing people who’s time has long passed, just to convince them to “go away.”  I am speaking about people like Al Gore and Meghan McCain to name a few.  Also earning torture will be anybody who creates horrible nightmares, I am talking about the mental images that cause people to scream in their sleep forever.  This law is not meant to discourage film makers who create horror films.  We are talking about the real horror makers, people like Nancy Grace having a wardrobe malfunction on live TV, or 967-year-old Hugh Hefner talking about his sex life with 22-year-old playmates.
    • Punishing Gays. OK, Matthew has us there, once the Tea Party-NeoCons take over we will be punishing Gays. We will also be punishing African-Americans, Latinos, Jews, women, Muslims, redheads, other conservatives and anybody else who breaks the law. We wont be punishing groups but individuals and unlike the progressives we will treat everyone equally, without political correctness or regards to their race, religion, hair color and/or what kind of pre-sweetened cereal they had for breakfast.
    • Breaking Unions. There is one rule that the Neo-Tea Party types have which Mr. Matthews must be unaware of, “you break it, you fix it.” No one wants to break anything.  In fact it is because of this rule that we do not support Barack Obama for re-election, he broke the economy and instead of trying to fix it, he wants to keep breaking it
    • Starting More Wars. Mr. Tinkle must have read this one wrong.  The Neo-teas do not want to start wars, we want any President to get congressional approval before he starts any wars. Just like President Bush did before Afghanistan and Iraq, just as President Obama didn’t before Libya.
    • Tax Cuts For The Rich. Yep we can own up to that one also.  Those nasty conservatives do want tax cuts for the rich, they also want tax cuts for the middle class, and anybody else who fits into the 53% of Americans who pay income taxes.   I will let you in on a little secret that you cannot tell people where you heard it. Those Tea Party Neo-cons believe that the tax monies paid into the government is really the tax payers money so the government should be using less of it and returning as much as possible to its original owners.
    • And Even Worse… Here’s is something that even Chris Matthews doesn’t know.  There is a Tea Party plan to force Crayola Crayons to get rid of some of their crayon colors because the names sound too subversive.  Among those slotted for elimination are:
    -Atomic Tangerine (sounds too terroristy)
    -Beaver (no sexual references)
    -Cotton Candy (this recommendation came from Michelle Obama)
    -Magic Mint (too druggy)
    -Piggy Pink (sounds too much like Congressional earmarks)
    -Tickle Me Pink (sounds too much like former Congressman Massa)

    There you have it, the real agenda of the Neo-Cons and Tea Party movement. And to think if Chris Matthews didn’t push the point, we never would have fessed up. No, we probably would have been hanging out looking for ways to live on the public dole, take other people’s money, while looking for others to place blame.  You know….just like progressives.