In a secret cellar underneath the Temple Mount in Jerusalem leaders of all three major monotheistic faiths have been meeting for over a year to try to figure out a way to bring peace throughout all faiths. Today they announced their solution, they have set up a committee to come up with a new name for God. The feeling is that if everyone call their creator by the same name, people will come to realize that we are all “brothers,” united in one kumbaya species called man.
It makes sense, a common term for God may bring people together. Over the last few years many countries and media outlets have already adopted a common name for things. For example someone who kills civilians to create terror is called a terrorist. Someone that kills Jewish civilians to create terror is called a militant. If we can unify language with regards to terrorists, isn’t it even more important to come up with a common name for the creator of the universe?
The Muslim leaders have been holding out for the common name to be Allah, but it really doesn’t work. Allah has much, too much baggage for the non-Muslims. And you can be sure that Muslims would not want to use the term God, it would almost be like converting (and they kill apostates). So the committee will come up with a new, non-denominational term for the Lord. My Suggestion would be B0b.
B0b would be a perfect name for God. First of all you wouldn’t have to perform major redesign of the Bible, both Bob and God have three letters so the new name would fit in perfectly. Obviously the Koran would have to be changed, but we could sell it based on the two fewer letters in the name and how that would reduce their carbon footprint. The Muslim global warming nuts will love it.
God’s new name would make our Maker seem so much more, personal, approachable and real. If we make the change I guarantee that you will never see a Time Magazine cover that asks “is Bob Dead?” And think about the people who have the nasty habit of using the word “Dammit” after the word God. Their favorite expression will no longer be considered taking the Lord’s name in vain.
For those of you who are into political correctness, think about the people who suffer from dyslexia. No longer will they have to be embarrassed by saying to their friends…“I swear to dog” because Bob spelled backwards is–BOB.
Think of how the kids will feel so much more comfortable going to a house of worship praying to Bob. Imagine the greater attachment they will have to the Bible. “Bob created the world in six days.” They will readily accept that, after all, they are already fans of Bob The Builder, its just a larger build.
Think of how much easier it will be for our youth to have a personal connection with their maker, Bob has such a warm feel.
The only objection I can find is that Bob is also a name for people. Things could get a little confusing. Human Bobs might start to turn around every time someone sneezes and their friends call out Bob Bless You, or why the famous Marlon Brando movie is renamed the Bobfather. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s a small price to pay.
It really shouldn’t be a problem. I have two Hispanic friends who are very Catholic–are named Jesus and there is no confusion. As a matter of fact it might end up being an advantage. Small business owners named Robert, will now be able to post a sign in their windows “In Bob We Trust.”
There it is–my case all laid out. I think that this attempt to unify the what we call the King of the Universes a Bob-send.
Once we can all agree to what to call God, I mean Bob, maybe we can spend more time trying to hear his voice which is inside each one of us whether we pray to Hashem, God, Bob or Allah–I’ll guarantee you, Bob would prefer it that way.
Happy April Fools Day!