To My Friends in the Gentile community (we call you Goyim which is not derogatory it means Nations) I know you have heard of Yom Kippur, the below tries to explain the holiday to you in a way you might enjoy…at least it won’t be too Jewish.

Tonight (10/3/14) at sundown begins the holy fast
day of Yom Kippur, it is one of only two 25-hour fasts on the Jewish calendar
(the other is Tisha B’av).

Yom Kippur is thought of as a “happy fast.” Jews give up food or drink,
sex and some other things (but lets face it after those two who really cares).  While the media stories of the holiday call it the day of atonement, that is not the reason for the fast..we’re  not fasting for atonement, denying ourselves ice cream and connubial relations as some sort of
sacrifice to God. The Rabbis say we are fasting because we are concentrating so hard
on getting as close as possible to the Lord that we don’t have time for
the other stuff. That’s why it is a happy fast because there is no
greater joy than getting closer to God.

 If you happen to see one of your Jewish friends walking to shul (synagogue) on Yom Kippur there is no need to hide. Thankfully the caffeine withdrawal headaches we get on Yom Kippur are not contagious.  Should you want to know what to say to
your Jewish friends two suggestions would be, “have an easy fast” or
“may God Seal you in the book of life.” but of course we don’t really
believe the creator of the universe sits on a heavenly throne, writing
people’s names in a book (if he did I am sure he would have a really powerful iPad).

The mental image with the book is a theme throughout the ten days beginning with
Rosh Hashana and ending with Yom Kippur. We start with may God put you
in the book…. and then on Yom Kippur we change it to may God seal you
in the book, possibly with the assumption that God closes the book at the end of
the fast and goes to a friends house for white fish and blitzes at the end of the fast like the rest of us.

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Thankfully its all symbolic because our belief is that God welcomes
atonement at any time (but it is certainly easier to do it on Yom Kippur
with the “help of your community).”

Note to my Gentile friends if you see a Jew walking to on Synagogue on Friday night ” Hey wanna come over for a beer after temple, “is NOT a proper

The fast will end an hour and ten minutes after sundown on Saturday and I strongly recommend you stay out of the way of the throng of Jews leaving the shul and heading for nourishment as it is more dangerous than getting between Senator Chuck Schumer and a TV camera. You will be able to tell the mob is coming because Yom Kippur ends with a loud blast of the Shofar (a ram’s horn converted into a very loud musical horn)

It is a tradition that after Jews go to the homes of friends and/or family and
consume large quantities of whitefish, bagels, and blintzes. There are
three reasons for this:

  • First of all so we can play the time-honored game who’s fast was the
    worst? ” You think you had it rough this year? During my fast I got
    such a bad head ache that one of my eyes popped out of its socket.” “Oh yeah, my fast was so bad  I passed out and went into a coma”
  • The second reason is the obvious; people are very hungry and need to
    eat. Not everyone has the strength to prepare so to be fair we switch
    it from family to family every year to spread the “burden” around.
  • The final reason is we shouldn’t go near non-Jews after the holiday (NO this is not
    some sort of Hebraic bigotry nor is it a commandment). We are trying to
    do you Gentiles a favor. along with the activities I mentioned above,
    during the 25 hours of the fast we are not allowed to wash, bath or put
    on any lotion or scent. We haven’t brushed our teeth or used mouthwash
    either. After almost a full day of hanging with other Jews in what
    always seems to be a hot Synagogue the Jews are no longer “God’s Chosen
    People.” Instead we have become “God’s Rather Pungent People.” So after
    the fast we tend to hang amongst ourselves because no one else would be
    able to take the aroma.

While not officially a holiday Sunday, the day after Yom Kippur is the
most dangerous day in the Jewish calendar )and it’s not because God
starts zapping those who didn’t make it into the book of life).

Five days after Yom Kippur Jews begin the celebration of Sukkot. This
festival is one of the three biggies (the other two are Passover and
Shavuot). I know what some of you are thinking and the answer is no, Chanukah is a
very minor holiday. The three “biggie” festivals as well as Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur are the only holidays ordained by God in the
Torah. All the other holidays such as Chanukah, Purim, and my birthday
were either created by Rabbis, other great leaders or as in the case of
my birthday bloggers looking for attention (note one holiday does reach the level of the “biggies” above–that is my wedding anniversary -that is because of a Hebrew phrase called “Shalom HaBayit” peace in the household).

Part of the Sukkot holiday observance is to create a flimsy “structure”
with a semi-see though roof.

The roof must be built from something that
grows in the ground. 

During Sukkot we eat, entertain, and some even sleep in this structure.

It reminds us of the life of the ancient Israelites life, wandering in
the wilderness for 40 years living in structures like this and arguing
over whether or not Moses should stop at a gas station to ask for

More importantly, existing in this kind of flimsy structure, reminds us
of the frailty and transience of life and in the end our necessary
dependence on God.

Sukkot is a happy holiday it referred to in Hebrew as Yom Simchateinu
(the day of our rejoicing) or Z’man Simchateinu (the time of our
rejoicing). From building the Sukkah, “living in it’ for a week, to
tearing it down, Sukkot is a fun and Joyous time for family and friends.

Oh and the reason Sunday is the most dangerous day on the Jewish
calendar? Well, it’s like this, we are not allowed to begin building the Sukkah until
after Yom Kippur is over. Generally Jews do not start preparing for any
holiday before the previous one has ended. It’s not a superstition
thing, it’s that we need focus all of our attention on the holiday at
hand before we can move on.

On Sunday, the day after Yom Kippur Jews all across the world will be building their Sukkahs on Sunday.  The problem is that most Jews aren’t great with tools. And the last time
we picked up a tool or stepped on a ladder was the day we took down the
Sukkah last year.  You may wish to peek out your window and observe you Jewish neighbor building their Sukkah–it is the construction equivalent of the Keystone Kops

The once-a-year use of tools, ladders, etc., is why Sunday is the most dangerous day
on the Jewish calendar (it may also be the day where you hear a
frustrated Jewish neighbor cursing in some ancient tongue that even they
didn’t know they could speak).

Before I end this Yom Kippur primer allow me to take this opportunity to wish all
my Jewish friends an easy and meaningful fast. And all my friends, both Jewish and Goyish:

Gmar Chatimah Tova
May you be sealed in the book (or iPod) of life for a happy and healthy New Year.