Ladies and gentlemen, I have a major announcement to share with my readers. I Jeff Dunetz have decided to throw my hat in the ring—yes I have decided to run for President of the United States!
“Crazy” you may be thinking, “what kind of qualifications does he have?”
Exactly! I have as much political experience as the present GOP leader, Donald Trump. But I do have 30 years of experience in management holding positions such as Director of Media Planning at an advertising agency and publisher of a magazine.
Look at how the Grand Old Party is fracturing. It looks like Donald Trump may get the nomination but polls say he would lose to Hillary Clinton (and that doesn’t even count the Republicans who promise they would never vote for him). If I was Hillary Clinton I would be salivating to unleash the commercials about Trump University, or Trump Mortgages, his misogyny, or even his comments about not knowing what the KKK was. Heck Mr. Trump isn’t really a bigot or racist, but he sure blurts out things that would make fine commercials. Before Hillary is done (providing she stays out of jail) no moderate, conservative Democrat, or independent would vote for the billionaire.
My qualifications for the office are just as strong as those of the present leader in the 2016 race Mr. Trump: Along with my lack of experience, I can cuss at rallies, my regular readers will back me up on my claim that I can be snarky, my older sister will tell you that when we were kids I was a real nasty a-hole (but it was usually her fault), and while I was never a bully… as a child I was bullied so there’s experience there.
There are other advantages of a Dunetz candidacy. There is no Dunetz university (although my senior year of college were the best years of my life), and the only Dunetz mortgage is the one my wife and I have another fifteen years before we pay off.
There are things, I would have to overcome. For example, Trump was a liberal until a few years ago when he decided he would run for POTUS. I’ve been the total opposite, a conservative until today, but to get I’ll claim my passion is progressivism. Like Trump’s fake conservatism, should I be elected my liberalism will disappear. And like Trump the fact I was pro-life until I wrote this post won’t matter to my supporters.
Another difference is whenever a veteran comes into eyesight, I go over and thank them for putting themselves in danger to protect my family and me. And unlike Mr. Trump I believe that if someone is captured they deserve to be honored as a hero.
Unlike Mr. Trump, I know that the KKK is an evil organization, but my candidacy may be more palatable to those bigots than Mr. Trump’s. They think I have experience—in fact they think that along with my fellow Jews, I run the government, Hollywood, and the banks. And I have a better chance at getting the Jewish vote than any body running except for Rubio and Cruz, all the other major candidates are not really friends of Israel.
It is true that I won’t be able to “self-fund” like the Donald, but if I can say crazy things the networks will give me all the free time needed just like Trump. And while I was never a reality TV star, in my younger years I acted professionally. Above is a picture of a professional summer stock performance of Oklahoma where I played the lead role of Curly (and had the hair for it!).
Let’s talk about the Supreme Court. Donald Trump’s liberal sister would never be nominated to be a Justice in a Dunetz court, and who knows the best lawyers better than a Jew (just ask the KKK). For the sake of openness my wife Lois who is a CPA, would be the first choice for Treasury Secretary, but she is very qualified. You should see how she goes over every line of our credit card bill; “Did you shop around for this? Did we really need this one? What is this cost about? And/or “you know if we do it this way we can save money.” Just imagine what she would do with the federal budget. All candidates talk about cutting waste, fraud, and abuse, but my wife Lois would be able to balance the budget…pronto!
Here’s the bottom line, I can unify the party. As standard-bearer of the GOP, Sen. Ben Sasse would endorse me, so would conservative writer Erick Erickson. And as for the Trumpers, all I really have to do is verbally beat up some women (if my wife approves) and the Trumpers will be in love.
So as you go to the polls, remember to write in the name of Jeff Dunetz!