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Just announced from the White House, President Barack Obama has appointed Dr. Henry Higgins as the semantics czar for the new administration. Dr. Higgins is responsible for replacing Global War on Terror’ with ‘Overseas Contingency Operation.’

Dr. Higgins says that he is over-joyed with the new appointment and is looking forward to finding new names for other politically offensive terms.  Yesterday, during his first day of office, Higgins announced the following semantic changes which have been approved by the President:

  • Tax Fraud—> Excellent Public Servant with a Lousy Calculator (only applies to Democrats).
  • Suicide Bomber—>Hyperactive Child who has never ever, I swear to God, NEVER come close to even meeting a Muslim person, I promise.
  • Corporate CEO—>Terrorist
  • Axis of Evil—> Nice Guys with trust issues
  • Bibi Netanyahu, Ehud Barack, and Avigdor Lieberman —>Axis of Evil
  • Early Morning Conference Calls between George Stephanopoulos, James Carville and others—>National Security Council
  • Public Opinion—>the clueless majority
  • Illegal Aliens—> proto-citizens or nascent voters
  • America’s Vast Oil Reserves—> the Devil’s Playground

  •  Sound Energy Policy—> the Dark Ages

  • Detroit Automakers—>Bush’s Fault
  • President Obama—> Crazy Barack’s Discount Autos

  •  Tim Geithner and Joe Biden—> Mr Oy and Mr Vey

Dr Higgins says that each Wednesday he will Issue a new set of terms, and that if anyone has any suggestions they should contact his assistant, Ms Liza Doolittle.

Note: When I first heard of this appointment I was convinced it was some April Fools joke. Just like the one about the United States electing a man would dismantle the capitalist system, triple the national debt, take-over the banking system, and GM, and make America less safe against a terrorist threat.  Personally I doubt either one can happen…or can they?

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