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By early Monday morning I knew something would be happening on the Senate floor regarding the House bill to defund Obamacare but there was no way to get to DC and snoop around to get the inside knowledge.

So like I always do in a cases like this, I called my Cousin Ben the spy (his mother wanted him to go to med school, but that is a story for a different day). Ben worked for military intelligence back in the 1980’s and is an expert in disguise, a master in interpreting data, and the best part –he is willing to work for free, as long as he gets first dibs on the white meat every Thanksgiving (note: white meat is a turkey term and has nothing to do with race).

Immediately jumping on the assignment, Ben hid in Harry Reid’s office disguised as something the Senate Majority leader would never notice– constituent. At about 7am Reid got a phone call from Texas Senator Ted Cruz. It is well known that Reid tries to get in his phone work before 10:30am, which is when the President usually shows up to work.

He spoke to Cruz on the speaker phone so Cousin Ben heard and transcribed every word of this strange pre-filibuster conversation.

After reading the transcript I can now understand why Ted Cruz began his marathon speech. You will too once you read the below (Reid’s words are in italics-Cruz’s words are bold):

I am Ted

I am Ted

Ted –who-led

That Ted- who-led
That Ted- who-led
I do not like
that Ted- who-led

Will you listen
To things voters said?

I will not listen,
Ted- who-led.
I will not listen,
To words voters said.

Will You Listen
To calls or tweets?

I will not listen
To calls or tweets
You and the voters
Can Take your seats
I will not listen to
Words voters said.
I know better Ted-Who-Led

Will you listen
Like they did in the house?
Will you listen,
or are you a mouse?

I will not listen
like they did in the house
I will not listen
and I’m NO mouse.
I will not Listen
To calls or tweets
You and the voters
Can Take your seats

I will not listen to what voters said.
I don’t care –
they want Obamacare Dead

Would you listen in a box?
Voters know Obamacare’s
Some kind of pox

Not in a box.
Though the bill’s a Pox
Not like the house
And I’m no mouse!
I will not listen
To calls or tweets
Ted, you and voters
can take your seats
I will not listen Ted-who led
I’m a progressive-
I know better 
Ted-Who-Led

Will you listen in a car?
Listen, Listen
Here they are.

I will not,
listen,
in a car.

You should listen,
And take some notes
You got your Job
From all their votes

I will not listen or take some notes.
I don’t need their stupid votes.
I will not listen in a box.
I don’t care if the bill’s a pox
I will not listen like the house
I will not listen and I’m no mouse
I will not listen here or there.
They are stuck with Obamacare.
I will not listen to what the voters said
I’m a progressive-
I know better 
Ted-Who-Led

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Would you listen on a train?

Not on a train! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Ted! Let me be!
I will not, will not in a box.
I do not care if this bill’s a pox.
I will not listen and I’m no mouse
I will not listen like they did in the house
I will not listen here or there.
They’re still stuck with, Obamacare.
I will not listen to what voters said
I’m a progressive-
I know better 
Ted-Who-Led

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, listen in the dark?

I will not listen,
in the dark.

Will you, listen,
in the rain?

I will not listen, in the rain.
The voter’s words are just a pain,
Not in a car, Not in a tree.
I will not listen, Ted, you see.

I’m not a mouse though the bill’s a pox.
Not like the house, or over bagels and lox
I will not listen here or there.
They’re still stuck with, Obamacare.

You will not listen to
what voters said?

I will not listen
Ted-Who-Led

Could you, would you,
with a goat?

I will not,
could not
with a goat!

Would you listen
To earn their vote?

I will not, listen on a boat.
I do not have to, earn their
I will not listen in the rain.
These voters phone calls’ are just a pain.
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I will not listen in a box.
I will not listen though the bill’s a pox.
I will not listen like they did in the house.
I will not listen and I’m not a mouse.
I will not listen here or there.
They’re still stuck with OBAMACARE!
I will not listen to what voters said!
Only racists want Obamacare dead.

You will not listen.
SO you say.
Try one! Try one!
And you may.
Listen to one, and you may I say.

Ted!
If you will let me be,
I will try one.
You will see.

(Just then one of Sen. Cruz’s interns walked into Reid’s office and handed him a letter)

So!
I did just read what one voter said!
And I still don’t care, Ted-who-led!
And I still wont listen in a boat!
And I still don’t need their stinking vote…
And I still wont listen in the rain.
or in the dark. or on a train.
or in a car, or in a tree.
I’m a progressive
I know better than them
you see!

I will never listen in a box.
And I will never listen though this bill’s a pox.
And I will not listen like the house.
They’re stuck with this bill though they stand and shout
They’re stuck with this bill till thy vote us out
Till then I won’t listen here or there
I won’t listen ANYWHERE!

I’ll never listen to what voters said!
I’m a progressive…we don’t care
Ted-who-led

With that Senator Harry Reid hung up the phone.

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