In a Washington D.C. news conference, archeologists working for the Smithsonian Institution have announced an incredible discovery, a revised copy of the U.S Constitution dated 1790, that was passed by the original 13 States and was supposed to supplant the version that was ratified in 1788. The Chief Archeologist on the project named the document “the Dead Potomac River Scrolls,” because they were found in a previously unknown cave on the bank of the Potomac.
According to the scientists, a 13-year-old boy named Zach Emanuel was walking his dog near the river, threw a stick and and heard some glass shatter. He followed the noise into the cave and found the document amongst some broken beer bottles left over from some ancient beer summit. Scientists determined the cave was once occupied by some ancient cult of prognosticators. On the cave wall was a drawing of someone who looked exactly like President Obama with a caption written in an undecipherable ancient language “Hetay Edeemeray.” Next to that drawing is another of what seems to be a female stick figure with artificially enhanced giant lips. Under that picture is written the words “Lamebay Ushbay.”
The cult known in history books as the Progressenes, wrote the document in English and it begins with an amazingly prophetic preamble,
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a Union even more perfecter than we did two years ago, do ordain and establish this brand spanking new Constitution for the United States of America recognizing that the document approved in 1788 forgot to talk about social justice.
The over-all document is very similar to the Constitution passed in 1788, it just adds a few things:
- Under the census provision it adds, “if a large group of foreign nationals come into the country illegally, they are to be counted in the census as not to appear racist.“
- The executive branch articles include a provision that says, “The President is to enforce all laws equally except in the case of radical organizations such as the New Black Panthers or other African American organizations trying to intimidate Caucasian voters from voting the wrong way. Housing organizations that commit voter fraud by registering illegible voters multiple times, cartoon characters, or the deceased are not to be prosecuted, as long as they are named after the seed of an oak tree.”
It is quite amazing the way these Progressenes were able to see into the future, beyond the prophetic articles and preamble, included in this revised constitution was a document called “The Bill of Other Rights Which Corrects the Original Constitutions Wrongs,” these included:
- There is not only a freedom of religion but a freedom from religion
- The right to health care unless you are a senior (sorry grandma)
- We were only kidding about the right to bear arms
- There is a right of Unions to be bailed out even if the government has to take over the entire automotive industry
- The right to high speed internet is guaranteed
- The government has the right to control free speech on the internet and talk radio
- There us a right to come into the country illegally as long as you promise to support the Progressenes
- The President has the right to play golf during a crisis, especially if petroleum is involved
- The government has the right to redistribute income
- There is a right to be a terrorist or to hate the United States as long as you work with a future president
Some skeptics will tell you that this document is an obvious forgery, I can even see CPAC Blogger of the year, Ed Morrissey use this story as part of his daily Obamateurism of the Day feature. But anybody doubting the pedigree of this document is obviously taking a bipartisan effort and trying to interject partisanship.
For proof of its validity, just look at the fact that this document has already been endorsed by the administration. This is the administration that told us Joe Sestak wasn’t offered a job, there were no earmarks in the stimulus bill, Obamacare would reduce the deficit, and there would be absolutely no new taxes on anyone making less than $250,000 a year, why should we stop believing them now?
Perhaps the best reason to believe that this document is real, is the fact that the provisions of this revised constitution were put into practice when Barack Obama became president. If these provisions were followed without a supporting constitutional document, the press, who is counted upon to be a watchdog over the government would scream bloody murder, and they have been totally silent. You see, it has to be real!
According to the archeologists, there are more documents in the cave, specifically court precedents supporting the revised constitution and a history of Chicago politics, which will be released as soon as they are